


wars are made and somehow that is wisdom

by sleepyMoritz (Catherss)



Series: bridges, burning [2]
Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cancer, Family Drama, Family Issues, Family Member Death, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, post-college
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 07:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7258786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catherss/pseuds/sleepyMoritz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After six years of radio silence from his family, Kevin receives a call.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wars are made and somehow that is wisdom

**Author's Note:**

> "But sleepyMoritz, when are you going to write something happy and not deathly depressing?" You'll pry it out of my cold dead hands.
> 
> Anyways, here's the sequel to "this is how the world ends". I'd advice you read that first but I'm not the boss of you. My eternal thanks to notlikelionking/Mirimea for beta reading, who frankly if you're reading this, you've probably already read some of their fics - but if you're crazy enough to have not, go check 'em out!
> 
> I have another fic that's about half done which is Connor's story, and then some ideas for a Naba fic, since everyone knows that there isn't enough of her in the fandom. So. Watch this space? Follow me on tumblr at sleepymoritz.tumblr.com and hit me up if ya want!
> 
> Lastly this deals with family issues, homophobia (internal and from family) and the death of family members a bit more harshly than the last one, so warning for that.

Kevin was sitting on a curb outside his flat, a backpack discarded on the ground next to him. He was close to tears, his legs drawn up to his chest, and he was waiting anxiously for someone to come home to let him in.

Luckily, it was Connor who came home first. The worst thing in the world right now would be for their housemates to see him like this when all he wanted to do was curl up away from the world. Con pulled out his earbud, and stopped walking when he saw Kevin there - his cheek and lips red and bleeding, hair a mess, tears near-falling down his flushed face.

"Kevin? What's wrong?"

Kevin looked up at him silently, and Connor's face changed from confusion to concern. Kevin knew that the moment he started talking he would cry. He could  _ feel  _ it, that sharp not-quite-pain. He bit his lip and hoped Connor would understand.

"Kevin?" Connor crouched down next to him and rubbed his arm through his hoodie. "Let's get you inside, okay? Then you can tell me what happened."

Kevin nodded weakly, sniffing, and Connor unlocked the door to let them both in. Kevin pushed past Connor and down the hallway into their bedroom, threw his bag onto the floor and collapsed on the bed, curling up on himself. Connor took off Kevin's shoes for him and then laid down, wrapped an arm around him protectively. Kevin reveled in it, and he knew it was pathetic - a grown man having to be comforted like a child - but he couldn’t gather the energy to care what was and was not manly, or grown-up.

"What happened?" Connor asked gently.

Kevin buried his head into the pillow and his voice came out muffled. "Mom found that note you gave me on my birthday. And she said I was disgusting, and that you were disgusting, that I  was going to hell and that I wasn't to come home for Christmas and--"

"Oh my God, Kevin," Connor pulled him in closer as if he were trying to squeeze the sadness out of him. Kevin had always thought that heartbreak was just some metaphor, but right now, God, he felt it, his chest ripping in two, ribs pulling apart and his raw organs spilling out for the world to see. He curled up tighter and took Connor's hand in his own, pulling it up in a last attempt to keep everything inside.

"I'm furious," Kevin said, through a sob. "I'm s-so angry. I'm never gonna be able to see my brothers and Alice again..."

"No, Kevin, when they're grown up, your parents can't stop them." Connor soothed.

"But my parents--" God, his parents too. He'd never see them again, or if he did, they'd always hate him. "They'll indoctrinate them all. They're fucking bastards, they're gonna make them hate us." He spat, his hand clenching uncontrollably on Connor's.

Connor just sighed and buried his nose into Kevin's nape. "You'll be okay. This too shall pass, remember?"

All his rage drained out of him and a hollow feeling took its place. He was twenty three and it felt like he'd practically just become an orphan. If his parents stuck by their word, never again would he see them again. He wouldn't see his siblings graduate or marry. He wouldn't be there for Christmas, Easter, birthdays.

He wouldn't be there. And fuck, that hurt.

 

 

 

SIX  YEARS LATER

 

Kevin grinned when Connor emerged the stagedoor. A couple excitedly asked him to sign their Playbills and he did so, chatting away to them before bidding them a good night. When he got to the end of the barrier, Kevin, Naba, Arnold, Chris and James were there waiting for him.

"Were you in it?" Kevin asked with his head tilted, holding out his Playbill.

Connor laughed and kissed his cheek. "Let's go, asshole."

"You were fantastic!" Naba complimented him as they made their way down the street packed with theatre goers. The others repeated the sentiment or made general noises of agreement.

"Thank you," Connor grinned.

"Did everything go right?" Chris, who had never seen the show before, asked.

"Yep! Well, one of the kids didn't get into the right place quick enough in the opening song, but nothing the audience would notice."

"The kids are all so talented." Kevin took Connor's hand and put it back into his jacket pocket so they were sharing.

"God, I know! It makes me furious." Connor bemoaned. "And they're all so polite and well behaved. Like, Jesus, don't those guys have a library to burn down or elders to disrespect?"

They all laughed and James directed them left down the block to a bistro/bar. It was quiet inside with a couple in the corner sharing a pizza and a lone business woman at the side with a laptop and some pasta dish. They all fit - albeit snugly - into a comfortable booth with a round table. The bistro had a nice feel to it, quiet, like they were in on some secret of New York, though surely such a thing would never exist.

"So how are you guys finding New York?" James asked.

"I love it," Connor answered quickly, a slightly dopey grin spreading across his face, chin resting on his fists. "It's so busy and new."

A waiter came up and took their orders and the conversation moved back to the performance, then to New York, then to the life and times of those six. Post graduation, James and Chris had found themselves broken up with their respective significant others. After working for a few months, and after borrowing some money from family, they decided to up sticks and live in Manchester, England. They'd only returned to the States a month ago permanently. Luckily, they'd both escaped without a weird hybrid accent.

Arnold, Naba, Connor and Kevin all shared a small apartment a half hour commute away from the theatre, and had done for five months. Despite Connor's ambitions, they'd been living in Chicago previously while Kevin did his masters and Connor made up Equity hours in between teaching high schoolers - so Arnold and Naba had actually lived in New York for five months prior in a smaller flat far further out from their workplaces.

The food arrived, and James hadn't been lying when he'd said it was delicious here. The evening went by quickly and after a shared dessert they bid Chris and James goodbye as they departed in an opposite direction to the hotel they were staying in. They arrived home, wide-awake and happy.

"It was so good to see Chris and James again," Connor beelined to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of cheap wine he liked to think he didn't buy often.

"I can't believe James' beard." Naba chuckled.

"I'm not sure what I think about it. On the one hand, it's pretty glorious, on the other, it has that certain homeless-chic about it." Connor held out the wine vaguely to the three of them. "Here, anyone want any?"

They all nodded and thanked him, aside Arnold, who still stood by the Mormon rulebook (for the most part). They filed into the living room, and Kevin took the seat beside Connor, throwing an arm out over the back comfortably. Kevin looked around, feeling his heart swell with love. They were all collectively his best friends in the entire world and finally, after so long of being in shitty apartments with strangers, he was here: the rent shared between enough people to make a nice, decently sized apartment affordable with money to spare.

Arnold had changed since his mission. He'd become less hyperactive, more settled and, dare Kevin say it, grown up. Kevin knew him and Naba were considering children, and the thought made his mind reel a little. Hadn't it only been a few months ago that Arnold was practically fawning over Kevin's brilliance at the Missionary Training Centre? Naba herself hadn't changed much - she'd already been mature for her age when Kevin had met her eight years prior. Growing up a semi-fluent Ugandan in Utah, used to a completely different way of life, had caught her off guard when she first arrived in the country as a teen, where so many had already formed friendships and were just the right age to brutally shut off outsiders. She learnt to be headstrong and to not be ashamed of herself, no matter the exclusion she faced from peers.

Kevin was twenty seven now, and sure, while he'd dreamed of having a wife, some young children, and definitely his own house by now, this was so much better. Of course, it'd be nice to have his own house, but in New York, that didn't happen, especially not on Connor and Kevin's wages. Not yet, anyways. And besides, he was perfectly content here, with Naba and Arnold and Connor. He couldn't imagine anything better. Kids... He didn't know. He didn't feel old enough to handle a little human under his care, but he was certainly in the right age for Mormon men. Not that he was really Mormon, not really. Not anymore.

"You alright, Kevin?" Naba asked over her glass of wine, curled up cat-like under Arnold's arm. "You look a little bit shellshocked."

He snapped out of his daze and grinned back. "I'm great. I was just thinking how this is so different to what I always thought my life would be, growing up."

Naba nodded. "I know that feeling. I, for one, didn't expect to fall in love with a pasty, nerdy white guy in America, and yet here I am."

"Something to tell me, Naba?" Connor chimed in, smirking a little.

Naba laughed. "I don’t know why I hang around you."

Connor pouted. "Well, you know the old saying. Pulling pigtails is just a way of showing a crush..." He blew her a kiss.

"Yeah, you got me, McKinley. I'm secretly in love with you and have such a small emotional capacity that I can't express it in any other way than insults."

"Hey, you said it."

"You guys are the worst. I'd be worried if you weren't gay, Connor." Arnold groaned.

"Lucky for you as well," Connor flipped imaginary hair over his shoulder. "I'm such a catch."

Kevin snorted. "Hey, if anyone's the catch here, it's me."

"I can attest to that." Connor gave Kevin an Eskimo kiss.

"No homo?" Kevin whispered. Since an intern at Kevin's work had timidly asked him that when he'd mentioned Connor, it'd become something of an inside joke between them.

"Whoops, I slipped." Connor put a hand on Kevin's jaw and kissed him properly while Arnold made a noise of protest.

"Do we have to watch you two being all lovey-dovey?"

"You could always leave." Connor suggested, somehow managing to make a sip of his wine look bitchy.

"Uh, you could always stop," Arnold shot back while Naba giggled and watched them, amused.

Kevin threw his hands up. "Alright, alright, but next time you two kiss in front of us, don't expect us to just sit and take it."

"We don't kiss in front of you." Arnold protested.

"Yes you do. You two are the worst for PDA. Did you even get socialised as a kid, Arnold?"

"Um," he said, fake offended, "so what if I didn't? What are you, a social worker? Don't answer that, Kevin."

The evening wound down and later on they went to their separate bedrooms. Connor lay out on the bed, staring wide-eyed at the wall when Kevin came out from the bathroom.

"You not tired?" Kevin asked, throwing his clothes into the laundry basket and putting his phone on charge.

"I'm on top of the fucking world." Connor replied, grinning. He tugged on Kevin's hand to drag him closer and Kevin kneeled next to him on the bed. Connor gently made him budge a leg so that Kevin was straddling his hips. He hummed and met Kevin halfway in a kiss but broke apart to pull off his threadbare sleeping shirt over his head.

"Oh, are we doing this?" Kevin asked playfully while Connor kissed down his neck.

"Oh yeah," Connor replied. Kevin could feel his smile against his neck.

"You'd better be more quiet this time. I could hardly face Arnold the morning after." Kevin reprimanded him, half joking, half serious. It  _ was  _ awkward.

"Oh, gee, sorry for having a good time." Connor suddenly grinned wickedly. "But I'll certainly try my very  _ hardest _ , just for you, darling."

 

\---

 

The next morning, Kevin woke softly to the rising sun. It cast an orange glow over the wall, over Connor, who's hair was all messy and matted to one side. The golden sunlight pooled over his body, in the contours of his back muscles and shoulder blades. Kevin thought his heart was gonna explode if he looked any longer, so he gingerly untangled himself from Connor, put on some joggers and meandered over to the kitchen.

Arnold was in there already, munching on some toast at the table. They had an awkward stare-off before Arnold sniggered.

"Nice five-o'clock sparkle." He tapped at his own chin, smirking. The tension was broken.

"For the last time, Arnold, it's not sparkle, it's manly, manly stubble." Kevin whined as he lifted the kettle over the sink to fill it, rolling his eyes. As soon as his back was turned he grinned a little bit. Couldn't let Arnold see he was winning,  _ that _ wouldn't do. "At least I can actually grow substantial facial hair."

"Hey! I'll have you know I  _ can _ grow hair! In fact, I could grow a mighty beard if I wanted to!"

Kevin snorted while he turned on the kettle and started fishing in the cupboards for the relevant coffee-making materials. "Yeah, sure, buddy. Whatever you want. Why are you even up at this hour, anyways?"

"I took Friday off, remember? I need to catch up on work."

They bantered and teased (thankfully Arnold didn’t make an awkward comment as he was prone to do) until the kettle boiled and Kevin made himself a drink. He got back to his bedroom, put the coffee on the bedside table and crawled back under the covers. Connor shifted slightly, his head burying into his arms.

"Morning." Connor's voice was low in his chest, sleepy and slow, peeking out from his shoulder and bicep.

"Hello." Kevin replied, kissing him lazily.

"Is that coffee?"

"Want some?"

"No. I want you."

Kevin snorted. "That's not your smoothest line."

"Yeah, but if works the quality doesn't matter." 

Kevin laughed and shifted closer to kiss him properly, their legs slotting in between each others naturally. After a just few moments of just this, his phone buzzed jarringly from the bedside table. Connor groaned, hiding his face in Kevin's shoulder.

"Ignore it. Who's even phoning you at this time?"

"It's not that early. It's just winter."

"Ignore it." Connor insisted.

"It might be a work emergency."

"You work too much." Kevin shrugged and reached over to his phone while Connor's hands traced familiar routes his ribs and abdomen, slowly trying to push his luck downwards. "Hello, Kevin Price speaking."

"Kevin?" It was a female voice on the other end.

"Uh, yes? Speaking?"

"... It's Alice."

"Oh my God, Alice," Connor  looked shocked as Kevin scrambled so he was sitting up. "Hi! Oh gosh, it's been so long! How are you!?"

"Kevin, I'm good, but I have some bad news."

"Okay...?" Kevin prompted after a few moments of silence.

"I'm not sure how to say this, but Mom's in hospital." Kevin's blood froze and he scrambled so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. "She probably won't make it to the end of the week."

Kevin rubbed his face then leaned forward, elbows on his knees. "Oh my God. Oh my God. I... How?"

Sharp inhale over the grainy line. "Lung cancer."

"She doesn't smoke?" Kevin couldn't believe this. God, what were the chances?

"I guess cancer doesn't care if you smoke or not."

"I'm coming to see her. And you."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea..." She replied carefully.

"Why not?"

"It's just... Dad. He didn't want me to tell you."

Kevin felt rage build up like it hadn't since that fateful day all those years ago. "How did you even get this number?"

"Your Linkedin." She said apologetically. "I just thought you ought to know."

"Jesus, Alice, of course I ought to know." After a beat, he sighed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I'm coming to see her. You can't stop me." He warned.

"I wasn't trying to. I was giving advice." She paused. "We still live where we used to."

"Okay. Good."

"Kevin?"

"Yeah?"

"I've missed you."

He smiled, bitter-sweet. "Me too. Is everyone else alright?"

"Everyone's fine, yeah. Jack's wife just gave birth to their third child. Gabriel's wife is pregnant. Carson's engaged to be married after his mission ends."

"Wow." He breathed.

"Are you..." She struggled for words. "In a relationship?"

Kevin's heart sunk. "Mom did tell you why I was kicked out, right?"

She hesitated for a second. "They said it was because you asked them for money for drugs and pornography."

Holy shit. "Oh my God-- you know none of that is true, right?" Kevin was half astounded, half enraged. Trust his parents to lie instead of face up to facts, Jesus.

"How would I know?" She cried. "I haven't seen you in six years! And before that you were distant, and you know it. It wasn't... it wasn't hard to believe."

He bit his lip, heartbroken his siblings thought that of him for six years. "Well, there's some good news and some bad news. Good news is: not an addict to drugs or... um, porn. Bad news, um." He glanced over to Connor, who was looking at him, intent and caring. "I'm in a relationship with a man and have been for eight years now. That’s why I was kicked out."

The silence from the other end was tense and his heart felt like it was shivering in his chest.

"Okay..." She said. "We can talk more about that when you get here."

"Alice-"

"Kevin," she cut him off, "I'll see you later."

He sighed in defeat. "Alright. I love you. Bye."

"... Bye." 

The line went dead. Kevin's hands clenched around his phone and in a fit of uncontrollable rage, he threw the phone on the floor, hard, and it clattered away. Connor's hand appeared on his shoulder, his chest against his other arm, and Kevin leaned into it. What a mess.

 

\---

 

The door swung open and a young man stealing Jared's face opened the door. God, he truly had been gone a long time. Jared's hair was cut into the standard missionary style, neatly clipped at the side with a quiff to rival Kevin's on top, but the neat image was countered by days old blonde stubble dusting over his cheeks and bags under his eyes. He was only a little bit taller, but the last of his boyish chubbiness was gone - he was sharp and handsome, sophisticated.

"Kevin!?" He yelped, his voice far deeper than it was before.

"Jared!?" Kevin replied, equally surprised.

"What are you doing here?" He hissed.

"I'm here to see Mom, obviously."

"How the heck did you find out about that?"

Kevin stared. "Did you not want me to?"

Jared's jaw clenched. "Are you... clean? Cause you know it's not right for her to see you if you're--"

"Shit, you too?" Jared flinched at the swear. "They have a lot of explaining to do. I'm not on drugs and I never was. Nor did I ask for money for pornography."

"You don't even need to pay for p--"

"Connor, you're not helping. Did Alice not fill you in?" Kevin asked, astounded.

"Alice is in on this!?"

"Jared, who's that?" A voice from within. Kevin's heart lept into his throat as his father came out of the living room and into the hallway. His father looked so much older now, grey flecking through his hair and crow's feet around his eyes. "Kevin!?"

"Dad, I..." Everything he'd mentally rehearsed fled from mind as he stood in front of his biggest fear. "Hi." He settled on, smiling hopefully.

His father exploded, stepping out of the doorway to crowd into Kevin's personal space. "Get out of here! You can't be seen--  _ is that the boy _ !? You have the nerve-"

Alice and Gabriel suddenly appeared too at the door. "Dad-" Alice begun, stepping out, her next moves unclear.

"I'm sorry-" Kevin pleaded, not entirely sure what he was apologising for, as his father lifted his hand. He flinched and his eyes squeezed shut instinctually as Connor placed a protective hand on his arm, useless in shock.

"If you touch him, Dad, I swear to God I'll kill you!" Alice yelled. He opened an eye and Alice was blocking his father's way, her hands outstretched as if he were a spooked animal.

"Get out the way, Alice," his father demanded gruffly, "you wouldn't understand!"

"I understand, but I'm not gonna sit by and let you hit your own son!"

His father suddenly seemed to slow down, let the cogs turn in his mind. He breathing hard. Slowly, he lowered his hand. "I don't want you here," he said evenly through a clenched jaw.

"Please, Dad, hear me out. It's been six years. For old time's sake?"

His dad stared at him. Kevin wanted to squirm under the dark-eyed scrutiny, but kept his gaze steady. "You're causing a scene." His Dad informed him as he around and walked back into the house. Kevin looked in confusion to his other siblings, but they just nodded for him to go inside. Connor followed with some trepidation.

The hallway had new photos in the frames. The photo Kevin had gently lifted out of frame the day he was kicked out was replaced by a new, unfamiliar one with the entire family sans him at his grandparent's house. He started noticing a pattern; all the photos with him in had been removed asides one, where he was hidden at the back of the small army that made up the Price extended family. It was like he had never existed, cut out from his ancestry like a diseased branch of a tree.

He was lead into the living room by Alice. That too was different - a new TV, new wallpaper, new couches, rearranged to make an almost entirely new room. It was all very alien. He sat down opposite his father who was hunched over in an armchair and waited for the rest of his siblings to file in and sit down.

"Where's Jack? And Carson?" Kevin asked, noting the missing brothers.

"Work and mission. Jack's coming noon tomorrow with his wife and kids, Carson is on a plane right now. He'll be arriving 6 AM." Kevin let out a sigh of relief that Carson was coming home. There was undeniable pressure for missionaries to stay with their missions, even under circumstances like the death of a parent. Kevin only hoped there wouldn't be repercussions for his choice.

Jared suddenly turned to Alice as if he just remembered she existed and pointed at her accusingly. "You knew about this!"

"About what?"

"About Kevin coming here! Why didn't you tell us?" He demanded angrily.

"I didn't want you to try and stop me, or him. Don't you miss him?"

That put Jared on the spot. He blinked and looked over to Kevin, who's hands were clenched in anxiety. "Of course." He murmured.

"Then he's here. Don't be so angry at me."

"Also, no offence," Gabriel suddenly nodded over to Connor. "But who are you?"

Connor glanced over to Kevin to prompt him to answer, like they'd agreed. Kevin took a deep breath and begun. "Well, actually... Mom and Dad told you that-"

"Kevin." His dad warned lowly. "Don't."

"They deserve to know. Mom and Dad told you I was an addict. But I'm not. What actually happened was that... Well, uh, Mom found a letter from C-"

"What he's trying to say is that he's a homosexual." His dad cut in harshly.

Kevin's mouth fell open as Gabriel and Jared stared. "I'm not gay." He forced out through his tied tongue.

"Sure looks it from here," his Dad snorted.

"You lied to us?" Jared accused his father, horrified.

"It was to protect you." He justified, looking shocked at his son's defiance.

"I'm nineteen! You keep on talking about how, ooh, I'm a man now, and you couldn't even tell me why Kevin left?!"

"I didn't leave because I wanted to, Jared," Kevin corrected gently. "They told me to leave."

That was even worse. Jared groaned in frustration. "I can't freaking believe you right now, Dad. Six freaking years, you lied. Do you even feel bad?"

"Kevin should feel bad! He chose it!"

"I didn't choose it!"

"Of course you did! Look at you! Relationships don't just fall together, Kevin - you could have left if you wanted, could have chosen God!"

"I couldn't have." He took a steadying breath, tried to push the argument to one side. "But this is Connor." He gestured to the man beside him, "my partner." For a second nothing could be heard and the air was taut with surprise.

"Partner? As in, civil partnership!?" Gabriel exclaimed, shattering the silence.

"You didn't invite us?" Alice asked, betrayed.

"Oh yeah, cause I'm invited to Carson's wedding. And I  _ really  _ enjoyed my time at Gabe's and Jack's as well, thanks."

Alice had the grace to look sheepish. "You understand why, well, why we couldn't..." She trailed off.

"I do understand." It didn't make it hurt less, but he fully understood. His father was the iron fist over the household, truly a patriarch. That seemed to have only gotten infinitely worse in Kevin's absence. "Yes, a civil partnership." He added, for Gabriel.

His father gave an impatient snort. "You come up here acting all offended that you couldn't be here, but you're the one who rejected Heavenly Father. You're the one who chose sodomy over family."

Kevin flushed. "Heavenly Father loves all of us. He loves me. You said that yourself, remember?"

"He doesn't love sinners." He spat back.

"We're all sinners, Dad! Who here can truly say you've never said His name in vain? Or been gluttonous, or prideful, broken chastity or ignored someone in need? You all sinned by rejecting me! Love thy neighbor - or does that not apply to neighbors who love differently to you?" Tense silence followed. Kevin breathed hard, unsure if he should regret his words. "I love all of you, very much. But I love Connor too. Why can't I do both?"

"Because marriage is the most sacred of unions and you've- you've- sullied it!" He replied, disgusted and sure. "All homosexuals do is trick people into indulging in their unholy desires - fornication without procreation! You did that!" He gestured angrily over to Connor, who flinched. "He wasn't gay before he met you!"

"With all due respect, sir, he's not gay, and he was attracted to men before he met me. He just didn't realise it."

"So it is your fault!"

Connor stared and Kevin butted in. "For fuck's sake, Dad!" The harsh expletive made his father flinch. "I'm bisexual!" It wasn't strictly true, but it was as close as he could get to describing himself in a way they would understand. Now wasn't the time to get into a discussion of romantic or sexual attraction, nor the ins and outs of labels.

"Bisexuals don't exist! They're greedy or confused or both!"

"I've been with Connor for eight years, how is that confused or greedy?"

"Eight years!?" Jared exclaimed across to him, shocked.

"How are you going to have children, Kevin? Did you think of that?" His father pointed out in an obtuse way.

Kevin let out a low groan of frustration. "I might not be able to have kids anyways, Dad. Besides, Jack's already carried on the family name, not to mention all the other perfectly heterosexual marriages that are going to happen in this family. You'll get grandchildren!"

"But having children is one of the most fulfilling things we do on this earth - it's our duty to have children!"

"Oh my-- why are we squabbling over this!? Since when have you cared what I get up to? You don't even know what I do for a living!" He threw his hands up, exasperated. "Mom is dying and we're talking about me! Why aren't you at the hospital anyways?" He cried.

"She's resting," Alice soothed. "It's kind of late, Kevin."

"You should be there for her! Making sure she's safe, and comfortable!" He snapped, getting more and more riled up. "If you all don't want to listen to what I'm saying, can't you just give me her room number or something?"

"You can't see her." His father scowled.

"Why not?!"

"The shock." He didn't need to finish that sentence.

"Then, I don't know, ask her if she wants to see me!"

Alice chimed in. "That'd work! Then she'd be fully prepared, and it'd be under her control."

His father shook his head firmly. "No. You don't want to rock the boat."

"Rock the boat?" Kevin repeated, astounded. "I don't know if you've realised, Dad, but she's  _ dying _ . This could be our last chance to say anything to each other, and you don’t even want to  _ ask _ if she wants to see me because  _ you  _ think she can't handle it?"

"Kevin," Connor warned calmly.

"No, Connor! I just want to see Mom, and I'm sorry that my entire fucking existence offends you, Dad, but you don't have the right to keep me from seeing her!"

Kevin looked around at the sea of eyes looking back at him, ranging from concern to disgust and suddenly felt an urge to get out of the unfamiliar room with half-familiar faces. He threw himself out and sprinted upstairs to his old room, his old haven.

The door swung open and Kevin stopped, heart pounding, as he took it all in. His bed was gone, as was all his stuff - the entire room had been remodeled into a guest bedroom. Not even his old wardrobe remained. Of course it was gone, he thought bitterly. It wasn't like anyone might need the room for themselves anymore.

It was the last straw. He broke down, kicked the bed post in a flash of violent fury, before falling onto it, helpless with his hands clenching as Connor burst in after him. Connor wrapped his arms around him and drew him close to his chest and Kevin dropped his head down so it was in the crux of his shoulder.

"I hate this," he whispered, voice wavering. "I just want it all to be alright. I want my family back."

"I know, I know," Connor murmured back, rubbing circles into his back.

They sat there for a while until Kevin calmed down, until he could contain himself. His throat felt thick and his head throbbed. He sniffed, wincing, and lifted his head up.

Kevin looked at where his face had been a moment ago. "I got snot on your shirt," he mumbled.

"That's not the worst thing you've ever gotten on my shirt."

Kevin chuckled  weakly and hugged him tightly one last time before stepping away, rubbing the tears away from his cheeks. "Should we go?"

Connor nodded. "I think so. Let your dad mull it over for a while, we can try again tomorrow." He smiled. "You know what Arnold always says."

"Tomorrow is a latter day," he recited, monotone. Despite Arnold's slightly misplaced understanding of his own damn phrase, it was one that, at times, had given Kevin a strange comfort. Knowing that hard times would pass and break into something better - as they had done time and time again for him - reassured him endlessly.

They went downstairs, and bid their hesitant goodbyes. Alice immediately got up and hugged Kevin, and Jared gave both him and Connor awkward handshakes. Gabe and his father stayed where they were at, leaving a clumsy gap where some kind of acknowledgement should have been. 

Back at the hotel room, Kevin collapsed face-first onto the bed the second he got in.

"C'mon, get up and get ready for bed."

"No." Kevin groaned into the sheets.

Connor snorted. "I'm not your damn parent and you're not sleeping in that shirt. It's Ralph Lauren." He told him.

"I'll take it off, then." Kevin turned over, undid the buttons, and threw it to the side, then turned back over again, eagle-spread.

"Are you wearing an undershirt?"

Kevin tensed. "Yeah? So what? It's cold out. It's winter."

"You don't normally." Connor's hand was suddenly at his back, gently pushing between his shoulderblades. "Did you wear it so it'd look like you were wearing garments?"

"I'm gonna go use the bathroom now."

"Kevin," Connor started, but it was too late - Kevin had already shut himself off.

Kevin peeled off the undershirt and stared at his reflection wearily. His body wasn't as toned as it used to be, and looked nothing like how it had in his peak when he did removal work just to pay bills when him and Connor first left Salt Lake, but he didn't mind that so much. He had bluish rings under his eyes and he looked washed out - he hadn't slept properly in over 48 hours, not since finding out about his mom.  _ God _ , his mom. He wished he could see her desperately, and some small selfish part of him wished that she could just hold him, tell him that it was all alright, that she forgave him. But now wasn't about him. Her life would never be about him again. While it hadn't been, not since he was a kid, he missed it, sometimes. 

He wondered how she would react to seeing him again. He hoped for her to smile, welcome him back with open arms, but he knew it likely wouldn't be the case. Would she even want to see him? How deep routed really was her rejection, and would it span six years? Kevin had tried to contact them again after he got kicked out, but after radio silence for months, he gave up, electing to only send Christmas and birthday cards. He wondered if the birthday cards even got delivered to his siblings - he wouldn't put it past his parents to withhold them. It was crazy to him that they'd rather pretend he was an addict than in a relationship with a man; the shame they would have felt must have been overwhelming. Did his old church know? Did his extended family? He'd barely spoken to most of them in his own accord before it all went down, and trying after just felt useless and false.

He hadn't had doubts about his sexuality in relation to the church for a long, long time. Being surrounded by LGBT friends or allies had only confirmed in his mind what he'd privately mused over for a while - there was nothing wrong with being demisexual, or gay, or whatever. But now, back with the disgust and shame of his family, little thoughts came creeping in:  _ what if they're right? What if I'm going to hell? _ and then  _ I'm just kidding myself to think this is normal  _ and then  _ I am abnormal, an abomination - how can a man love another man when God said he was supposed to be with a woman _ ?

Kevin let out a shaky breath.  _ You're not an abomination _ , he assured himself.  _ God would rather you loved than you hated _ . But, gosh, who was he to say what God wanted? Who was anyone? Suddenly, he felt overwhelmingly alone and confused, lost like he hadn't been in so long. His solid ground had been kicked out from under him; rejection where he hadn't even thought about in so long had swayed the equilibrium he'd built after years of doubt, loathing, disarray.

He quickly escaped the bathroom, out of his headspace and looked over at Connor to reassure and ground himself. He'd long past the butterflies phase of love where everything was new, exciting. Now Connor meant safety, comfort, warmth, acceptance. Trance-like, he padded over to the bed and kissed him, hard.

Connor put down his book and put a firm hand in the centre of his chest. "Kevin?"

Kevin ducked into his nape and kissed upwards, to his pulse point, then to his ear to tug lightly on the lobe. His mind was taken over with a crazed fear of loneliness. He needed something, anything, to distract from the sudden torment in his life - pleasure, pain, it didn't matter, so long as he could just stop thinking about everything. His head was loud with thoughts he paid no attention to as his hands smoothed over Connor's shirt, then under it, the haze clouding his mind filtering Connor's lukewarm response from his attention.

"Kevin, what's gotten into you?"

"What?"

"You're... is now really a good time?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

Connor looked at him squarely. "Because you're not yourself. Your life got turned upside down two days ago. Because you're kind of fucked up now, dear."

Kevin sat back, kneeling. "I want this," he affirmed, and leaned in again. "I want you."

"Kevin," he pulled back again and his voice had  a hard edge. "Not tonight."

Kevin's eyes went wide as he felt shame rise in his chest. His mind suddenly sharpened and he realised how he must look: desperate and lost and confused. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I shouldn't have pushed it." He said, eyes downcast.

"Kevin, it's fine, you know I've done that before too." He smiled up at Kevin and raised a hand to put it on his cheek. Even though Kevin knew that was what he was doing, he still flinched slightly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to." He bit his tongue to try and ground himself more - why was his brain's first response to flinch, as if Connor was going to slap him? He'd never done anything of the sort - why would his brain even jump to that? He was such a fucking wreck.

"You've had a hard day. Christ, I was sure your dad was going to hit you."

"Me too." He shifted so he was lying with his head on Connor's chest, the rejection dissipating the mood. "I was scared shitless." He laughed a little bit, though really it wasn't something to find amusement in. 

"Alice was brave, doing what she did."

"Braver than I am, for sure. You know, I think she's the only one of my siblings who actually doesn't mind... us. Do you think she... she might be..." Kevin trailed off.

"I dunno. Is there a concordance rate in siblings?"

"How would I know?"

Connor shrugged. "Maybe a friend came out, or something."

"Mm." Kevin hummed, shifting restlessly. "I hope she's straight. For her own sake."

Connor kissed Kevin's head lovingly. "Don't talk like that. There's nothing wrong with it."

"No, but we both went through self-loathing. I don't want her to go through that as well. It's hard enough as it is being a girl, a Mormon girl, never mind throwing queerness into the mix." Kevin was quiet for a second, then looked up at Connor. "Do you think you'll try see your parents? They're only a few hundred miles away. We could drive up and see them."

Connor sighed. "I wasn't going to. But seeing you and your dad and mom... I think I should. If I have to be the one to extend the olive branch, then so be it. I dress up as a schoolboy and dance on  a stage for a living, I don't have any ego left to bruise."

"Do you still have their numbers? Or email addresses?"

"I have an email address which I guess they still use. I know they were talking of moving house before I came out so I'd be surprised if they still live where we used to. But I can see if any of my old neighbors live there and if they have some contact numbers I can get."

Kevin hummed. "I'll be there when you see them. You've been here for me." He shook his head. "I've been so pathetic past few days. I don't think there's been two hours straight when I haven't cried."

"It's good to cry. Cathartic, and all that. And you're not pathetic. You're going through a hard time." Connor assured him. "It's not... unmanly to be sad."

"This isn't about me being a man." Kevin replied, a little bit confused.

"Okay. It is with you, sometimes." Connor clarified.

"I know. It's just... I don't even know. No one else in the family is a sobbing mess."

"Not that you've seen. You're basing your entire opinion on this as to if you've seen anyone else cry, but you've not even talked to them properly for a full hour in six years. You don't know the behind the scenes."

"You know, Connor, you're always right." Kevin sighed and poked him in the ribs. "It's really annoying."

"I've got to be always right, I'm the dance captain."

"Oh?"

"Uhuh. I've never been wrong in my life." Kevin could hear the smirk.

"You know, I know you're wrong, but I don't actually have any evidence to refute that right now."

"Proved my own point, thank you."

Kevin rolled his eyes and lifted his head up. "Do you want to leave the light on?" He asked, gesturing to the book discarded on the bedside table.

"Nah, we should be getting to sleep now. Night."

Kevin shifted away from Connor so he had more of his own space and shoved his head into the pillow. "Goodnight." After a minute of silence, Kevin whispered. "I love you. Thank you."

"I love you too," In the darkness, Kevin heard a little breathy laugh and Connor nudged his legs closer so they were touching, just. "Now go to sleep."

 

\---

 

The next morning, Kevin rolled up to the Price residence. He wondered if he should knock on the door, but then decided it'd probably be for the better, just in case. He paused a second, wishing he'd agreed when Connor offered to go with him. It felt rather like going into battle without a shield or any armour to cover the fleshy parts.

The door swung open and a woman he didn't recognise stood there with a hand on her hip. For a disorientating second, Kevin was convinced he'd got the wrong house number.

"Yes?" She asked.

"Um, who are you?" He asked bluntly.

"Nichoya Price. Gabriel Price's' wife." She told him, looking him up and down in a way that made him feel like a teenager again.

"Oh. Okay. Well, I'm Kevin, so... Let me in?"

"The homosexual?"

"What-- why does everyone think I'm gay?"

"You're married to a man." She informed him, a too-perfect eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, but that's not--" Kevin rubbed his face, dismissed the potential argument and carried on: "where is everyone, anyways? Why weren't you here yesterday?" 

Kevin pushed past her as she answered curtly, a little offended at his forwardness - as if this weren't his childhood home. "I was at my parents. Gabriel and your father are at the airport collecting Jack. Jared's out, goodness knows where, Carson is sleeping. Alice is upstairs."

"Okay, great." He said shortly. "Well, thanks..."

"Nichoya."

"Nichoya," he repeated, disinterested. "I'm gonna go and see Alice, in that case. Nice meeting you."

He climbed the stairs and knocked on the door to Alice's room. The old plaque that used to be there - a bright purple thing with her name in Comic Sans with flowers all around it - had been removed. He hadn't noticed that when he'd come upstairs the first time. It was odd, looking at the bare whitewashed wood. He knocked.

"Yes?"

"Can I come in?"

"When has anyone in this household ever asked?"

That, he supposed, was true. Inside, Alice was sitting, curled up on her bed, a Macbook on her lap and a discarded textbook by her side. Kevin was, for a second, at a loss for what to do. He hadn't expected to be able to speak to Alice by herself - he'd been fully expecting his father to still be here to bicker with. He sat down at the foot of the bed gingerly and looked across at her. She had an unreadable expression - was she upset? Concerned? He wasn't sure.

"So, how are you holding up?"

"Alright, I suppose." She replied shortly.

"Well, I guess that's something," he said, picking up the textbook. "GED? Shouldn't you have finished this by now?"

She sighed. "I need to retake. I failed all last year."

"Oh." He flipped through it idly, worried for her. "Why?"

Alice froze. "I dunno," she answered carefully. "I guess I'm just not good enough."

Kevin looked up from the book and put it aside, trying to read her face, a little perturbed. "Hey, don't talk like that. You're good enough."

"No I'm not. I failed the year. None of the rest of the family did that." Alice said miserably.

Kevin wasn't sure what to say. "You're not a failure and you're good enough. Worth doesn't come from grades, it comes from being a good person." He affirmed.

She shrugged and put the laptop to one side, drawing in her knees to hug them. "I guess. How very wise of you."

"Thanks, I try. What do you want to do after?"

"I don't know." She sighed, a hand dropping to trail over the corner of the textbook anxiously. "I guess go to college. I'm thinking maybe political science."

"That'll be good. I mean, I'm not sure what you can do with a degree in that, but it seems fun."

"Did  _ you  _ find college fun?"

Kevin considered. "Well, it was hard work a lot of the time. But you know, I met Connor there, and I was free from Mom and Dad. Which sounds bad, but you don't realise until you're gone how suffocating they are."

Alice hesitated, searching for words. Slowly, she said, "so you and Connor..."

"Yeah?"

"I just... I'm sorry. I'm gonna ask something dumb."

"It's okay. You're being far more mature about this than Dad or Gabriel." He smiled at her and shuffled closer again so he was leaning against the headboard, shoulder to shoulder.

"It's... like, real? Isn't it?"

He frowned. "I don't understand."

"You're not just in it for, um," she paused, looking down at her hands. "Sodomy?" She murmured, obviously embarrassed to be asking her big brother a sex question. For a second, it was like she was a little kid again, grossed out by boys and their parents kissing.

"No." He said firmly. "I know Mom and Dad might want you to think that, but that's not true at all. I love Connor like how Dad loves Mom. Except there's two dicks involved."

She laughed abruptly at his crudeness and whacked him lightly on the arm. "Gross! Don't talk about genitalia in my bedroom."

"Speaking of, got a sweetheart?" He poked his tongue out cheekily.

"You sound like an eighty year old man when you say that, Kevin. But, um. No, not really. I did a few months ago, but Mom and Dad made me break that off."

"What? Why?"

She shrugged, fiddling with a thread from her sweater. "I wasn't... we weren't really being...  _ chaste _ ."

"Oh." Kevin replied, a little wide-eyed. His first reaction was to be angry, but of course, she wasn't the eleven year old girl he left behind. Hell, just looking at her, it was written in the lines of her body that she wasn't a kid any more. Who was he to judge? Both Connor and him had put in hours trying to revert his shame around sex - at seventeen, she was old enough to decide for herself if she wanted it or not. He hoped, anyways. "Well... that's okay. Me and Connor weren't exactly chaste either."

"Yeah, but you're both guys. It's different for girls. You know what they teach at Sunday school." Kevin did. There were whole classes dedicated to chastity, the virtues of women being pure. Boys too, of course, but the focus was always inadvertently on the girls giving in, giving up, letting go of vertue. Alice bowed her head so it rested on her knees. "People at school think I'm a slut."

"What? No. They're wrong, Alice. Having sex or whatever you did with a guy doesn't m--"

"It wasn't  _ one  _ guy."

"...  _ Oh _ ."

Alice sighed. "I don't want to talk about this. You're just gonna tell me off."

Luckily for the tongue-tied Kevin, they could hear the front door opened and new voices flooded the house. Laughter of young children and low, tired voices filtered in through the floor.

"That'll be them. I'm gonna go down, coming with?" Kevin asked Alice as he stood.

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

They both made their way down stairs. Jack was there, looking worn out. His wife was next to him - not the girl he'd met while Kevin was in college - who was very beautiful and cradled a bundle of cloth in her arms while a toddler and a girl who was perhaps four or five clung close to her legs. His dad and Gabriel took their bags from them and shifted them a little further down the hall, out of the way.

Jack turned and broke into a excited, bright smile when he spotted Kevin awkwardly hovering on the stairs. "Kevin!" He opened his arms and they met in the middle for a hug. "Wow, it's been so long..." He trailed off and pulled back, keeping one hand on his shoulder. "How are you?"

Kevin grinned. A normal reaction, finally. "I'm good. How are you?"

"Oh you know, newborn, I'm constantly tired. And, well, you know about Mom."

Kevin's smile slipped off his face. "Yeah."

For a moment, no one knew what to do. Then Jack gestured to the smiling woman next to him, suddenly full of energy. "This is my wife, Annie! And our little tykes! This one here," he put his hand on the girl's head, "is Oaklyn." She smiled shyly and buried her face into Jack's leg. "This little man is Hunter. And here's baby Skyler!" Annie dipped down a little bit so Kevin could see the sleeping infant inside the bundle.

"Wow," he breathed. "I can't believe it. You're a real adult now. You're in charge of them all!"

"I know, right?" Collectively, they made their way down to the living room. "I keep on thinking someone's gonna take them away from me or something." He smiled lovingly over at his wife. "Luckily Annie knows what she's doing, so she makes sure we don't get a call from Child Protective Services."

She chuckled a little and turned to Kevin. "Darn straight. So, you're Kevin?"

"Yeah, hi. Nice to meet you, and sorry I couldn't be at your wedding." He extended a hand.

She took it with the arm not cradling the baby, smiling. "Oh, don't worry. I understand the difficult circumstances." She lowered her voice and looked around a little. Jack was distracted talking to Oaklyn, Alice was talking to their Dad and Gabriel while his wife was nowhere to be seen. "And personally, I'm in your corner. Jack is too."

"Then... why didn't he call me? He had my number." Kevin was a little betrayed. Surely it wouldn't have been that hard? Jack was a headstrong guy, did what he liked for the most part. That was entirely part of the reason so much pressure had been put on Kevin to achieve in school - to make up for Jack's forthcomings.

"I don't know, he never told me. But I know he regrets it." She squeezed his hand slightly and they split as Gabriel's wife emerged from the hall carrying a tray with a pitcher of some kind of orange fruit juice with biscuits. Annie went over to help her and Kevin suddenly remembered that he would be the only person in the room to drink coffee, tea, or alcohol. Assuming Annie was Mormon too. A little awkwardly, he glanced at the neckline of her dress and realised that it was probably too wide to conceal the garments all married members of the LDS church wore. He was a little startled by that - was Jack no longer in the church? Were his children LDS?

Kevin shrugged out of the thoughts and stood to go over to Jack. Oaklyn was giggling and squirming as Jack tickled her sides mercilessly.

"Hi, Kevin." Jack looked up, still grinning from his daughter.

"Hi, Jack. And Oaklyn! How old are you, huh?" Kevin sat on the couch next to Jack.

She suddenly went shy again, smiling from under her hands. "I'm five and a half years old,” came the muffled reply.

"So you've started school?"

She nodded. "Yeah. It's alright there."

"Only  _ alright _ ?" Kevin asked, putting on a scandalised face.

"Well, it's okay. It's fun to be with my friends but you've got to sit still a lot, and I'm not very good at that." She admitted. Jack drew her up tightly into his arms and she laughed happily, breaking out of her nerves.

Jack turned to Kevin. "So, are you and..." He trailed off awkwardly.

"... Connor?" He guessed.

"Right. Gabe didn't really fill me in properly. He's being a bit... um, difficult."

"I've noticed," Kevin sighed. "Sorry, you were asking?"

"Yeah, do you and Connor have any kids?"

Kevin shrugged. "No. We haven't really talked about it. We don't really have the space for kids. We're living with our friends, another couple - you know Arnold? You met him once - in a tiny little apartment."

"I think I remember. You could move out," Jack suggested, shifting Oaklyn so she was properly on his knee. He held out his hand for her and she started playing with his fingers, bending and examining them, ignoring the adults talking.

"We're happy where we are. It's good, really. We'd have to adopt, in any case. I wouldn't want to use a surrogate, or something - there's so many kids in the world that need looking after. The last thing we need is more people on the earth. Besides, I think my flatmates will be having kids before we do."

"I guess. Having your own kid is real nice, though."

Kevin snorted. "We're kind of missing some of the means to do that, Jack."

"Oh, right, yeah." He looked up sheepishly. "I've never met Connor. He's kind of androgynous in my head."

"He isn't in real life."

"Speaking of, when can I meet him?"

"I don't know. I was thinking of asking him to meet us at the hospital. He's at the hotel room at the moment audition hunting."

"Who's him?" Oaklyn asked curiously.

"Uh," Kevin looked over to Jack, at a loss. Many parents didn’t want to teach their kids about homosexuality for fear of influencing the, especially at a young age. He didn’t like it, but he respected Jack enough to let him parent his own way.

"Connor is uncle Kevin's husband." Jack informed her after a little side glance at Kevin. Wow, Jack really  _ was  _ supportive. After lukewarm, confused or downright disgusted responses, it felt good to just have someone talk to him as though it were totally normal. He didn't want to be the centre of attention, not like this. He'd outgrown that years ago. Of course, he was still ambitious, but a quieter appreciation was all he ever asked for now - he was too secure in his own abilities to take his worth from others.

She frowned. "But what about his wife?" Kevin smiled a little bit at her puzzled look.

"He doesn't have a wife. He has a husband instead!" Jack said.

"... Oh." She went back to Jack's fingers, this time playing with his wedding band. "So boys and boys can be together?"

"That's right, honey. Or even girls and girls."

Annie wandered over with a few glasses of water. "What are you talking about?"

"We're making Oaklyn a democrat." Jack replied, smirking. He took one of the glasses while Annie offered one to Kevin, who took it.

"Oh, nice." She kneeled on the floor next to Oaklyn and took out the messy braid in her hair. She began running her fingers through it to neaten it up a little and to brush out the knots. "Do you know what the plan is for today?"

"I guess we're going to be seeing Mom in a bit. Other than that, I don't know."

"What time is it now?"

"Twelve fifteen." Kevin told her, checking his phone.

"Time flies." She murmured, braiding her daughter's hair again. "Do you want me to take the kids so you can have some peace when you visit your Mom?"

"All of them? Are you sure? On the subject of the offspring, where's Skylar? And Hunter?"

"With Alice. And I'm sure. Besides, I think they're all in need of a little nap, don't you think, Oaklyn?"

"No," she whined grumpily. Case in point.

"Alright, then, missy." She smiled up at Jack. "I'll be fine for a few hours. I can call if there's something up."

Jack didn't look entirely happy with it, but agreed anyways. A little later, Jared slunk in through the front door looking a little bit sheepish - for reasons Kevin would undoubtedly grill him about later - and they all decided that it was time to go to the hospital.

Half an hour later, Kevin was waiting uneasily in the ward corridor. Doctors and nurses hurried by, paying him little to no attention, and people wandered, some of them clutching card coffee cups blearily. Idly, he wished he could have some coffee too, but almost as soon as he thought it, the idea flittered from his mind. He realised he was tapping his foot, but almost as soon as he stopped, he started up again.

"Calm down," Jared said, he himself hunched, elbows on knees, "you're gonna give me anxiety."

"Sorry. Actually." He corrected himself childishly. "I'm not sorry."

"... Okay... Great." Jared shot him an apathetic look.

Kevin chuckled a little in his worry, but that too soon consumed by the thought of his Mom, and the conversation that was happening inside the hospital room.

Alice emerged a little while after. Kevin looked up hopefully, but her face said it all. He was crushed. All the quiet, hesitant hope that had been building up collapsed in on itself, wafer thin and hollow.

"Mom said no, didn't she?"

Alice sat down next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. It was some strange role reversal, he thought - wasn't he supposed to be the strong sibling? Or, at the very least, second in command? He clenched and relaxed his hands, looking at the joints flex, the tendons ripple. He wished desperately that Connor were here.

"Yeah. I'm sorry. Jack's trying to change her mind. Dad's being a pain."

Kevin combed his fingers through his neat hair and considered his situation. "Do you think it's... looking hopeful?"

"I couldn't tell you, Kevin."

"Alright," he accepted unhappily. He wished he could just go in there, but it wouldn't be right to disrespect his Mom like that - not after so long, not now. Of course, one could argue that after being one half of the driving force that pushed him away from his entire family, people he'd known since birth, she didn't have the right to stop her facing him.

Kevin didn't want to do that. He just didn't. If she was to see him, it'd have to be of her own violation. It'd have to be because she wanted to say something to him, anything. Of course, that was the other factor - what if he manages to get to see her, but all she says is a reprise of what she said all those years ago? A record not broken but electric with static and dust making the needle jump and skip for a solution. Real life was rarely as perfect as the idea, the concept and prophecy delicately constructed from age-old blueprints. And that was his Mom's problem - Kevin Price was in almost all regards the perfect child, except for this one thing and the image she created for his future, both now and after his death, simply did not align with the imperfect reality - it crumbled around her as Kevin took the rubble and built a life.

He pulled out his phone and sent a text to Connor explaining the situation, then tucked it back into his pant pockets and wondered what to do next. Did he just... leave? His siblings would be here for another few hours yet, talking to her, caring for her. There was no practical reason for him to stay, but of course, he had an unsettling feeling that if he left he'd miss something important.

 

\---

 

Over the next few days, Kevin spent hours in the hospital. Each day Alice would walk out of the room, shaking her head, and the situation became more and more hopeless. Other family members came and went, a few sticking around permanently. It was clear that they didn't know what had happened to Kevin - some were surprised to see him, some were surprised to see Connor. He didn't get a whole lot of warm reactions, and those who gave him one were usually promptly smothered just by introducing Connor as his partner. Only a few cousins here and there even stayed to talk after that. The majority just walked on by.

Kevin probably spent hours in the lobby cafe with Connor. They sat down and talked, or sipped at their drinks in silence. It was nice to spend time with Connor, their attention undivided. They hadn't really had that since their last summer break  - Connor would be worried about his shows, or about his lack thereof, Kevin would be worried about his masters or his unemployment.

Eventually, Jack pulled him aside one day and explained in a cracking voice that she probably wouldn't make it til tomorrow.

Kevin felt utterly powerless. There was simply nothing that he could do. The nurses who knew the situation were sympathetic, assuring him that she'd come round, but every minute that passed it seemed more and more unlikely. The clock ticked away seconds that became minutes that became hours. All this time lost, he thought. All the time wasted. Hours and days and years. Connor stood by his side, endlessly comforting, reassuring, sometimes to the point where it was near annoying just how understanding he was about it all, despite never having gone through anything similar.

Three hours after Jack told him the news, Alice poked her head out from the door. Kevin perked his head up hopefully.

"She wants to see you!" Alice said with a big grin. "And Connor!"

Kevin's mouth dropped open and he scrambled up. Entering the private room was like walking into the dragon's den, dark and foreboding. Inside it was dim but clearly neat, with an IV fluid bag, a canister and a heart monitor all hooked up in some way to his Mom. 

_ God _ .

She still looked much the same, or as much as Kevin could tell - a mask covered half of her face. A colourful scarf was wrapped around her head and her eyes were half-closed but they snapped to Kevin as he walked in. She struggled to get the obtrusive mask off and Kevin was by her side immediately to help her move it to the side. Everyone else in Kevin's vision melted away until it was just him and his Mom.

He was completely at her mercy.

"Thank you," she whispered feebly. Her voice was rough and painful sounding.

"It's okay." He replied, smiling at her. He took her hand and kissed the prominent knuckles. Had her hands always looked so skeletal? Kevin couldn't remember.

"I'm sorry." She said, her eyes closed, ashamed. "I should never have- I shouldn't have-"

She took a deep breath from the mask then put it down again. "It's okay, Mom. I forgive you. I forgive you."

She broke out into a small smile. "I thought that cutting you off would... would stop this. But I know now I was a fool. God has gifted you, as He gifted me with you. You made me see, Kevin."

He didn't know what to say. He choked up and tears threatened to fall, but not now, no. Now was not the time for his grief. "I love you," he replied.

"I love you too. Where is he?"

"Connor?"

"Yes."

Kevin looked over to Connor who was half-obscured by his siblings observing the scene. He looked a little bewildered but stepped forward to stand by Kevin's side.

"You," his mom said, addressing Connor. "Look after him."

"I will, Mrs Price." Connor promised sincerely.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there. I should have been there." She took a rattling breath. "Any boy or girl would be lucky to have Kevin."

Connor chuckled a little. "I know. I'm very lucky."

"Good," she murmured, looking exhausted by just their conversation. "Good." At that, her eyes drooped again.

"You should rest now, Mom," Kevin said, "you'll need to save your strength."

She nodded, just slightly, the ghost of the sorrowful smile still gracing her features. Kevin waited a few more beats before kissing her hand again and laying it gently by her side. He looked up at Connor, who was shell shocked and dazed, before meeting him halfway in a fierce embrace, despite the family in the room.

Four hours later after intermittent bouts of consciousness, his mother made her goodbyes and passed away gently in her sleep. Kevin cried like he hadn't since he was a child - animal sobs that ripped from his chest while Connor near held him up. Today had been a circle of hell and a realm of Heaven. To be accepted, at long last, meant the world to him, but he couldn't shake that now, he would never speak to her again. Those were her  _ last  _ words. The finality of it all was crushing, and in some ways, it didn't even matter that she accepted him, because she would never get to act on the world that her words began. She'd never visit his apartment, and she'd never see something Connor was in because Kevin asked. She'd never meet Naba, and she'd never see their lives grow.

When he was all out of tears, Connor pulled out a tissue from somewhere and wiped away the snot and the tears and lead him to a watercooler. His head was pounding and his face hot and he accepted the drink Connor gave him without any thought.

Alice came up to the watercooler as well, looking little to no better than Kevin felt - her mascara was all down her cheeks and her face was red and puffy. She got herself a drink.

"Dad's filling out the paperwork." She told him, taking a sip, her eyes dull.

"Okay," he replied, despondent.

"You can go if you want. We can take care of things from here."

"No," he protested weakly. "I should stay, look after you all."

"Kevin, we all saw this coming." She said bluntly. "I was done grieving before she even... Her suffering if over now, and she's with God now. It's fine. We can meet you at home."

Kevin was uncomfortable with it, but nodded anyways. "I'll think about it."

A short while later, Kevin, Carson, Gabriel, Alice and a few of their cousins all took a taxi back home. The house seemed lethally quiet and no one was quite sure what to do with themselves. It was late when they got in - well past midnight - so the acceptable thing to do just seemed to be go to bed. They all parted ways with awkward "goodnights" until Kevin and Connor took the living room by themselves since some cousins were previously offered Kevin's room before Kevin and Connor turned up uninvited were occupying it. He wished they could share a bed; he really didn't feel like sleeping alone, not tonight, but if this was all he could get, he would take it. He settled down to sleep on the uncomfortably short couch when the door creaked open.

"Kevin?" Alice whispered through the darkness.

"Yeah?"

"Are you asleep?"

"No." 

"... Can I sleep down here?"

"Of course." He shuffled and sat up. The light filtering in through the door illuminated half of her face. She looked incredibly young all of a sudden. "Come sit." He gestured next to him. Quietly, she padded over to the couch and sat down next to him, pulling his cover over her. Kevin drew her up under his arm and rubbed.

"You alright?"

"No," she whispered, voice breaking.

That night, they talked for hours, whispering to each other little fragmented memories or hesitant secrets. They curled up on the sofa with the duvet around their shoulders, Kevin braiding her soft hair over and over again, the repetitive motion soothing both of them as it had always done. This was the closest they'd been in years - as a teen, Kevin had never really been one for affection, not even with siblings, something he thought was probably because Jack hadn't been either and he was just copying. Now, though, they were both children again, and all was forgiven, the sins and regrets of the past melting away as they huddled under the covers together, terrified of the monsters that lurked in the mysterious night.

 

\---

 

The next morning, Kevin woke to find Alice still under his arm, her head resting on his shoulder. He glanced across to Connor, who was awake on his phone.

"Morning." Kevin murmured, cautious of waking Alice.

Connor looked up and locked his phone. "Hi. How you feeling?"

He made a face. "I dunno. Ask me after some coffee."

Connor breathed a laugh. "I'll make you some, then."

"There won't be any here. They're all going to heaven, remember?"

He rolled his eyes, bemused. "I'll go make you some cerial up then."

"Thanks."

Connor got up and Kevin became aware of how uncomfortable he was, having slept upright at an odd angle. He debated with himself as to if he should move, but then the pain got suddenly worse, so he rolled his neck and stretched. The movement made Alice sniff and begin to wake.

"Hi." Kevin said, rubbing her arm. "Sleep well?"

She groaned. "No. You're not very comfortable." She straightened up and yawned, which Kevin promptly did as well, unconsciously copying her.

"I'll try harder next time."

"Mm." She looked around. "Where's Connor?"

"Making me some breakfast. He can make some for you too if you like."

"He can?" Connor came back in, looking a little bemused. He handed Kevin the bowl of Cheerios and ruffled his hair childishly with the hand not carrying his own bowl. Kevin jerked away.

"Yes, he can. Do you want anything, Alice?"

Alice looked skittishly between them. "I'm fine, thank you," she said quietly. "I hope we didn't keep you up last night."

"It's fine. I'm used to it. Kevin sleeptalks."

"That's a damn lie, Connor!"

"How would you know? You're asleep for it."

Kevin paused, pouted, then ate a spoonful of cereal.

"What time is it?" Alice asked.

"Half eight." Connor checked his phone.

"It feels later." She got up to look out the window. "I guess that's why no one else is up yet. We did get back quite late."

Suddenly, Kevin remembered why Alice was sleeping down with them, why they were even sleeping in the living room. He swallowed a mouthful of cereal and looked down, feeling ill. He watched the little hoops float around in the milk and put it on the small table by the couch, put off by the sugar and the milk and, well, all of  _ it _ .

"You alright?" Connor asked quietly, sensing the sudden weight in the room. Kevin looked up at him and smiled weakly, nodded slightly. Connor sat down next to him and rubbed his shoulder. "I didn't mean it, before. You don't sleep talk."

"Can you be serious for  _ one  _ fucking second?!" Kevin snapped irritably, somewhat surprised by his own flare of anger.

Connor froze and his face fell. Alice turned her back on them, giving an illusion of privacy. Kevin couldn't muster the energy to care if she was intruding. "I'm sorry, Kevin, I didn't..."

"It's fine. I'm sorry. It's okay, really, it's just... Right now, I can't..." He trailed off, huddling in on himself.

Connor kissed his forehead. "I'm sorry. I love you." He pulled Kevin into his chest. "I'll make it up to you, promise. Want me to run out and get anything for you?"

"It's okay, Connor, really. I love you too." Kevin buried his face into Connor's neck, hiding away from the world. "Don't die on me," he mumbled into the soft skin.

"I'll try," Connor whispered back, his eyes drifting closed.

 

\---

 

That day was long and unproductive day mostly involving informing the friends and family of Kevin's mom's death and trying not to sit still long enough to be sad. Connor phoned his old house, and as he expected another family answered and couldn’t tell him their new number, so he sent an email hesitantly reintroducing himself back to the McKinleys. Kevin wandered into the kitchen at 1 A.M. that night after hours of trying unsuccessfully to sleep, only to find his dad already in there. He had a small collection of opened beer cans around him and he looked up with bloodshot eyes, obviously drunk and slow, when Kevin came in.

"Kevin, I..." He looked down sadly at the empties around him. "I'm sorry."

Kevin didn't have it in him to be angry, not at this hour, not right now. "It's okay, Dad."

His dad shook his head and stood up to ratch in a draw. "It's not. It's wrong. You shouldn't see me like this."

"Dad," Kevin said softly as he found a bin bag in the drawer and started collecting the cans up. "It's okay, really. I won't tell." He continued wryly. 

His dad stopped and slumped over the table, his breathing hard and controlled. "I'm sorry." He repeated slowly.

"What for, Dad? You haven't done anything wrong."

"I'm supposed to be the one helping you, not getting drunk in the kitchen." He collapsed into the chair, head in his hands. "Heavenly Father, give me strength..."

"It's 1 AM, I think any parenting can be done at a bit more of a reasonable hour," Kevin said dryly as he got a glass off the draining board and filled it with water.

"It's one in the morning?" His dad looked oddly surprised. "I thought it was earlier."

"I guess time flies, huh?"

His dad stared blankly at him for a second before blurting out, "I'm sorry about you. About how we handled you."

"Handled me? What…?"

"You being gay-- or, whatever you are. We shouldn't have... I overreacted and then it was too late to go back. The lie, it just... It just  _ spiraled _ ."

Kevin was silent, thinking it over.

"Your Mom wanted to contact you," he added after a second.

" _ What _ ?!"

"I told her she couldn't, I told her she couldn't until she  _ believed  _ she couldn't."

"Dad," Kevin said slowly. "You know that's real messed up of you?"

"I know," he replied miserably. "I know. I'm not a good parent, Kevin. I'm goddamn  _ awful _ . I couldn't even handle this one thing. And now Alice, and Jack's kids aren't even LDS..."

Kevin sat at the table, his hands wrapped around the glass. He was quiet for a long time, utterly torn. He hadn't been  _ truly  _ angry at his parents for a long time. It came in bursts every now and then when he would remember everything he was missing out on, but then it would fade into the quiet ache he was so accustomed to he didn't even acknowledge any more. He thought for a long time when he finally, if ever, met with his parents again, he would unleash some fury upon them, make them see how wrong they were, how happy he was. But he realised that he didn't need to prove anything to them, and they weren't worth wasting the thought over.

Now, though, he was at a cross-roads, hyper aware that every step he took would divert him down one of the branches that lay before him. On one hand, he could reject, never forgive, never forget. He would walk away from his parents - parent, now, he corrected himself - and never turn back. That would be it, but gosh, it would be satisfying. On the other, he could walk back towards his family, try to patch the bridge that was burnt so long ago. It'd be hard work, it'd be painful and it'd never be quite the same as it once was. But it was something he could work with, maybe stitch the two opposing sides together, separated by a wound freshly torn open.

Kevin wasn't as egotistical as he once was. Living in a shitty, run-down apartment with strangers and his boyfriend, working at a fast-food joint kicked it right out of him. He wasn't superior to anyone, and everyone he met on his journey was just another dog like him, aspiring for another scrap of meat, no matter where they were from. Not many things are universal across humankind, but the desire for more, to have more, to be more than just another service worker was the one thing he could attest to find no matter where he went - from the lecture halls of his grad school to the landlord of his first apartment in Chicago. Kevin didn't want to be spiteful, but many would consider what his parents did as unforgivable. But Kevin was a grown man when it happened and he could fend for himself - it wasn't like Connor and his parents.

He gazed steadily at his father who looked back with glazed eyes and spoke.

"I think we've all just had bad circumstances. It's no fault of your own that things happened the way they did. Sure, you could have done some things better, but then again, maybe Jack was always destined to leave the church and maybe Alice is just naturally like that. You can't blame yourself." Kevin smiled a little. "I'm a social worker, Dad. That's what I do for a living. And I've met worse parents than you and Mom for sure."

"We kicked you out, Kevin." His dad replied, confused. "We couldn't handle it so we rejected you."

Kevin's smile slipped from his face. "You did," he said evenly. "But I know that if I had never met Connor I may well have done the same in your place."

"That doesn't make it okay." His dad sighed in frustration and looked up, his eyes looking unfocused. "I shouldn't be burdening you with these things. How are you doing?"

"I've had six years to think about this, Dad. I'm not really angry anymore. Well, I am, but I just need to work through it. I'm alright, I guess, I've been better," he chuckled dissonantly. "I'm sad, obviously."

"Is... Is Connor helping?" He asked tentatively.

"He is. I would say I couldn't believe how supportive he is, but I knew he would be anyways." Kevin smiled, a bit dopey. "I'm so lucky."

His dad hesitated then said, "I didn't understand before this week why you might have chosen a man over a woman. But he's... I would be lucky if he were my son."

Kevin's grin crept up on him. "We're in a civil union, he kind of technically is."

"Oh." He said, then laughed. "That's... Oh."

"Yeah." Kevin replied, delighted at his father's sudden interest in his life. Maybe he could turn this around, stop the bad blood from flowing. This was the first time they'd truly talked in years, perhaps even before he was kicked out. Things were tense beforehand as Kevin was becoming more and more aware of the impending need to come out and of how utterly obvious he was being with Connor - at least in his eyes - making him nervous.

"When?"

"A year and a half ago. I'll be honest it was partially because of the tax benefits, and plus it'd make us more official to the law. Also Connor was in a car accident and they wouldn't let me approve an operation for him when he was unconscious which delayed it by five hours, so we decided it was in both of our best interests." Kevin then shrugged. "Kind of annoying, actually, because we got a civil union literally months before it was announced marriage would became legal in Illinois, where we lived at the time."

"Is he all right now?"

"Oh yeah, he was fine after about three or so months. He has a neat scar on his wrist now. It was a bad break - bone through the skin, that sort of thing - so he lost a fair bit of blood and hit his head pretty bad." He laughed shakily. "It was terrifying at the time. He got off pretty lucky though."

"Why were you in Illinois anyways? There isn't much there."

"Chicago. He's an actor, I probably mentioned that at some point. He needed to be in Equity shows before he could be on Broadway, or something like that. I was also doing my masters there. It all worked out."

"Is he on Broadway now?"

"Yeah.  _ Matilda the Musical _ ."

"Wow."

"Yeah." Kevin smiled proudly. "With the sh- stuff he's been through, it's kind of a miracle he's gotten so far. He worked so hard and it all payed off."

Kevin's dad seemed lost in thought. He'd never seen him look like that - though, of course, he'd never seen him drunk, either. Kevin wondered if this was his first time drinking. Somehow, he knew that it wasn't, but it didn't feel appropriate to ask; he was still his dad and he'd been raised to never question him. Defying his parents had been monumental in that - _ be the perfect Mormon, be the perfect boy and grow up to be the perfect man _ . In the back of his mind he was angry at his hypocrisy, allowing himself to sin but still having cut out Kevin for six years, but the sad, broken, greying and drunk man in front of him washed the thought away in a tidal wave of pity. The man had just lost his wife. Kevin couldn't even fathom losing Connor.

"... Were you and Connor together when he had dinner that one time?"

"Um," Kevin rubbed his neck. "Yeah."

"We let you share a room!" His father said, horrified.

"We didn't do anything," Kevin protested, embarrassed.

"You are safe, though? Connor doesn't have, um, AIDs?"

Kevin buried his face in his hands and groaned. "Not all gay men have AIDS, Dad." He mumbled. "We're both safe and healthy."

They were quiet again for a long time after that. Kevin collected the bin bag from the floor, tied it up and put it into the real bin so it would be concealed from everyone else. There wasn't a clock in the kitchen so he had no idea how much time had passed. He made his dad up a glass of water and placed it in front of him.

"You'll get a headache in the morning if you don't drink this. You've had a few."

His dad looked up and smiled feebly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be drinking."

"It's not me who has a problem with it."

His dad closed his eyes. "I couldn't ask for permission so I'll ask for forgiveness instead." He smiled again and looked up. "I think your Mom would understand, anyways. I'm sure she can talk God out of any punishment He wants to gives me."

Kevin laughed. "I'm sure she would." He rubbed his thumb over a little natural ridge in the wooden table absently. "I'm going to go back to bed now. I'm glad we finally talked."

"Me too. I know I can't be so big-headed as to ask for forgiveness, but I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to do that. We already lost one of the Prices this week. I can't loose another."

Kevin felt a sudden role reversal. He had the power now, he was calling the shots. He wasn't sure he liked it. He felt like a little kid been given some big boy shoes and asked to parade about in an office. It was ridiculous - he was only a few years off thirty - but he didn't feel at all old enough to be the one who had the power in his hands to forgive or to condemn someone twenty years older than him.

His father stood up and embraced him in a tight hug. "I love you." He whispered.

"You too, Dad." He said back, voice cracking. He sniffed and pulled back and bid his leave.

 

\---

 

Two days after the funeral, Kevin and Connor stood in the living room, their suitcases by their feet and Kevin's family standing around them - Kevin wanted to stay longer but they both had jobs to be getting to. One by one they offered their goodbye - Alice, Jared and Jack's warm hugs, handshakes from Carson and Gabriel. Finally, his dad stood up and smiled.

"I'll see you soon, Kevin?"

"Yeah." Kevin smiled and he as drawn in for another hug.

His dad then moved on to look Connor squarely in the eye, overly serious. "You look after my son, now."

Connor tried to keep a straight face. "I'll try, sir."

"Good." His father then smiled and dropped the stern facade. "I'm sorry about it all. Welcome to the Prices." Much to Connor's evident surprise, he too got a hug. He flailed his arms a little but then found them on Kevin's dad's back. Kevin was overwhelmed and delighted by all of this. Sure, maybe it could all fall down when it was put to the test, but for now, the cease-fire was a happy rest.

They left after promises to stay in touch and being added to the Price Whatsapp conversation, which Kevin promised Alice he wouldn't mute. That evening, the plane touched down in New York to an overcast sky and a lulled, blurry evening, one where nothing is quite as real as life normally is. When they finally made it through the door, Arnold and Naba were waiting anxiously, ready to spring to his care.

"Hey buddy," Arnold said softly, putting a warm  hand on his arm. "How are you holding up?"

Kevin shrugged. His body was exhausted and wasn't sure of anything apart from that being home was the respite he needed - away from the chafing nature of his family, here he could recuperate and lick his wounds. "I dunno."

Naba smiled sympathetically. "Do you want to watch a Disney film? Or just go to bed?"

"I couldn't sleep," he said. Perhaps that wasn't true. He felt tired, but being alone with his thoughts was terrifying and he just wasn't ready to be left alone, but he refused to ask any more of Connor. In any case, he wasn’t sure what Connor could do to help. "Let's watch  _ Lady and the Tramp _ ."

"I'll go make popcorn," she said. "Arn, could you...?"

Arnold nodded and went into the living room to go set up the DVD player. Connor helped him out of his jacket and kissed him on the forehead. "I'll go unpack our stuff. You go on through."

Kevin did so as Connor disappeared into their bedroom. Arnold was on his knees, feeding a DVD into the player they got second hand at a charity shop. When he saw Kevin come through, he stood up and gestured for him to sit.

Arnold sat next to him and skipped through the adverts. A few minutes later, Naba came in with a big bowl of microwave popcorn and just as the film started, Connor emerged as well and switched off the light on his way through. They all sat together on one couch, which despite being a bit of a squeeze, they all somehow managed, with a laughing Naba half sitting on Connor to make them all fit. The bowl of popcorn somehow landed in Kevin's lap and he absently picked at it, not particularly wanting to eat but doing so anyways just for the sake of doing something with his hand. He barely watched the film and felt his eyes strain to keep open.

Arnold noticed this and wrapped an arm around Kevin, smiling up at him with puppy eyes. "You can sleep if you want."

Kevin smiled, nodded, and let his heavy eyelids drift closed, surrounded by the protective huddle of his favourite people in the world. He half-listened to the film to stop the circle of negative thoughts and instead concentrated on where Arnold and Connor and Naba were touching him, the heat radiating off them. He was warm here, safe from his own thoughts and slowly he let himself float down into sleep.

 

 

 

_ "The sun is shining and the birds are singing and because today is the very last day, they will sing forever." - A Softer World _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! Leave a comment below to win a lifetime supply of the sheet music for "Uptown Funk". Check me out on tumblr - sleepymoritz. Hope ya enjoyed!


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